and a, take your money

read it and weap children.
lots of Fraklins in my grasp.
..too bad it is all gone now.
living.
goodness.
But for a small moment, I felt rich.
insanely rich.
fand thought to myself, "self, move home. You could just have this money all the time."
...it was tempting for a moment..
but then I realized I would miss Logan way too much.
so I guess in a way, I pay for the friends that I have.
*awwww*
... anyways...

I've been thinking about more "not the one, move on" situations. A really good one actually.
Are you feeling it?

look at me I'm white and nerdy.

Ok, yes. It happened.
I will admit, I was a little skeptical at first. I mean "book hunting"? How much sincere entertainment could that supply a college student with?

Oh, don't be judging too quickly. I felt like Belle. It was magical. I never could have even dreamed of seeing so many books in one room. Books about EVERYTHING.
Pregnancy for dummies
microbiology
LDS books
tiny little old hymn books from what seriously seemed like the fall

I'm telling you, all my final stresses went away and I literally got lost.....
see for yourself.

Let it snow, please.

I love Christmas. the smell, sound. the company and treats.

In fact, I believe that's the only thing that pushes me through finals. Just knowing that in a few short weeks I can go home and be with my family and celebrate with them, continue traditions, and seek for those darn reindeer.

*flash back*

The anticipation of the morning always deprived me of my sleep. Just knowing what I would wake up to and in hopes of getting those things I wrote carefully on my letter to Santa. Santa had always been kind to me and somehow even knew extra things I had only secretly dreamed of. I knew this night was gonna be long if I didn't try to shut my eyes and go to sleep. After all, I didn't want Santa to know I was still awake.
To my dismay, there were still no signs of Santa visiting my house yet. As I hurried back into my bed from making attempt after attempt to see if the jolly man had made his debut, I heard something unusual. It was on the roof. Tapping. I peeked my head out of my covers, almost in disturbance of the quiet harmony of the rest of the house. As I peered through the window at the soft gentle snow fall, nothing unusual caught my eye.
Just as I was reaching for my covers, I heard the noise again. But this time accompanied with the distant sound of jingle bells.
Could this really be that I think??
I hurried into my covers and pulled them ravishingly over my head. Waiting and waiting until I could hear the sound no more. Suddenly it stopped. I meticulously crawled out of bed, opened the door, and tip-toed down the what seemed never ending hallway into the front room. The glow from the Christmas tree gleamed and reflected from the carefully wrapped presents now under the tree. I felt a smile grow larger and larger on my face as I sank into the couch. I knew, right then that Santa and his reindeer had just made their stop.

p.s. did you know Santa has a twitter?
p.p.s. I wish I could be as cool as Anna James. Fact.
p.p.p.s. What are you most excited for this Christmas?

not the one, move on.

I've seen this on a few blogs and thought it could be interesting, especially after the last post.

-My first impression of you was an interesting one. But I won't lie, I was intrigued. Intrigued until I found out how old you were and that you were hitting on me, a freshman. Intrigued until I found out you are a "closet scrap-booking, crocheting, pillow cross-stitching" 25 year old who then went through an advertisement for engagement rings. After gearing that boat up to sail. you did something even more interesting. You would call and sing me voice mails. Something about under water. That's when I knew you were not the one.

-We were sitting in the foyer of our apartment complex; talking, laughing, but also being serious. You gave me some weird analogy of a cliff about your love life. I was confused, but nodded my head in agreement. This is when you proceeded to tell me that you liked me and liked being with me. My heart lifted and felt a little warmer. Just then, you told me you had a girlfriend. Oh, what? The girlfriend you told me you didn't have in the first place... weird. Things just got more awkward from there when she tried calling you that night and you ignored her phone call. I knew you were not the one.

-I met you through mutual friends one night. You seemed nice and I had a good time. Somehow you got my number and would randomly text me from time to time. I didn't think anything of it until one night we went on a walk up 8th east in the mild cold. Nothing happened, but still caught me off guard. A week later I was on facebook while gaining motivation to finish a paper due in a few hours. You were online and started a conversation. A conversation I wasn't ever expecting. You asked me to attend your Mission Reunion with you in the next few days. I said I couldn't. You confessed your likeness for me. I had to go to class. That's when I knew you were not the one.

-We had met in high school and fancied each other then. Things seemed to have happened fast, which freaked me out. So I ended them. You hated me. Literally, hated. Time came and went, and over 2 years later you surprised me. Surprised me with a letter. Then surprised me with a phone call on Christmas. Then emails. A tape for my birthday. More emails. I knew I'd have a nervous breakdown when you got home. You texted me that night from your moms phone as I laid in bed, thinking about what the morning would bring. We met up. From there started dating. Things were complicated when I had a beyond full time job during the summer. You surprised me for my birthday by decorating my car. I was flattered, but also a little embarrassed when my dad teased me about it later that night. That's when I realized you were feeling it more than I was. I knew something needed to happen. I still liked you though. But through the summer I realized more I wasn't in it like you were. It was when we had 4 DTRs in a week, all initiated by you, that I knew you were not the one.

...to be continued if requested. And there are some good ones.

real blog. real emotions

as we walked down the hill to get into the car,
it was cold but it felt good on my warm, red face.
I don't know what brought it up tonight, but I started thinking.
thinking about something that happened months ago.

am I really over it?

Pushing my thoughts aside, we arrived at the car.
got in.
and drove down the street.
My friend talking about her situation with boy. And how it's hard to be friends.
cause he talks to her as a friend, when she wants to be more.

I thought again,

am I really over it?

I've realized something about myself...
I suppress feelings. So much that it's not healthy.
This may be a long time coming, but tonight I realized something.
I never let myself to feel the complete hurt that I was going through.
I wanted to be strong, and not seem like people needed to be "sorry" and give sympathy.
I thought receiving sympathy meant receiving weakness. Receiving defeat and heartbreak.
No one likes to get their heart broken. And I wasn't about to let people know that's what really happened. I was going to hide it at all costs because I didn't want attention from people about it. Why? Isn't that what people and especially friends for? To lift you up when you are struggling most? To bring you to higher ground so you can glimpse the light at the end?
Why don't I take that seriously? Is it because I don't trust? I don't have hope?
I know why, It's because I feel that it's me making a scene. I don't want that.

I've realized tonight I have a lot of feelings I'm feeling for the first time, because finally I'm allowing myself to feel them. So that I can let go and move on.
It aches. Oh, it aches. Every part of me aches. It hurts so bad I want to stop breathing. Just for a moment, to make it go away. To catch my breath again.

Why now? I should be well over it. I've tried moving on, but something always pulls me back. And it's not that I want Him. I want those feelings I had with him again, with someone else. But he's the only one I knew with them. I was held on a string for so long, months. When finally things were done, the string was never cut. It was merely loosened, but only a little. Being best friends with his sister didn't help much either. As well as his family.
Never cut, only loosened.

I've realized cut is necessary, at least for a time. Feeling is necessary. You can't feel that way with someone and expect to not feel hurt when it ends. And that's something I learned tonight.

It's time to hurt, to feel. I've become to numb to feeling this semester and I now see the downhill impact that has had. It's needed to feel so I can realize better.

Being strong is being able to feel hurt, but to realize that it can only go up from here. And having the perseverance to do so. To move up and on.

on a happier note:

I love these two women. And Jason, even though he smelled funny.

mission statement

and that's just what I'll do.
Who's with me?!

so remember that relationship that I was in a couple weeks ago?
yeah, long story short.. It's back.
I've decided to give it another shot.
I'm usually a second chancer.. which may not be a great thing at times.
(i'll tell you real life love stories about that sometime soon)

But I think this time things may work out,
although I'm not ready to bring it home with me over thanksgiving to meet my family.
But I'm giving it a shot, and until then.. I'll be spending mounds of time with my love, in the library.