Tuesday, November 29, 2011

not the one, move on.

I've seen this on a few blogs and thought it could be interesting, especially after the last post.

-My first impression of you was an interesting one. But I won't lie, I was intrigued. Intrigued until I found out how old you were and that you were hitting on me, a freshman. Intrigued until I found out you are a "closet scrap-booking, crocheting, pillow cross-stitching" 25 year old who then went through an advertisement for engagement rings. After gearing that boat up to sail. you did something even more interesting. You would call and sing me voice mails. Something about under water. That's when I knew you were not the one.

-We were sitting in the foyer of our apartment complex; talking, laughing, but also being serious. You gave me some weird analogy of a cliff about your love life. I was confused, but nodded my head in agreement. This is when you proceeded to tell me that you liked me and liked being with me. My heart lifted and felt a little warmer. Just then, you told me you had a girlfriend. Oh, what? The girlfriend you told me you didn't have in the first place... weird. Things just got more awkward from there when she tried calling you that night and you ignored her phone call. I knew you were not the one.

-I met you through mutual friends one night. You seemed nice and I had a good time. Somehow you got my number and would randomly text me from time to time. I didn't think anything of it until one night we went on a walk up 8th east in the mild cold. Nothing happened, but still caught me off guard. A week later I was on facebook while gaining motivation to finish a paper due in a few hours. You were online and started a conversation. A conversation I wasn't ever expecting. You asked me to attend your Mission Reunion with you in the next few days. I said I couldn't. You confessed your likeness for me. I had to go to class. That's when I knew you were not the one.

-We had met in high school and fancied each other then. Things seemed to have happened fast, which freaked me out. So I ended them. You hated me. Literally, hated. Time came and went, and over 2 years later you surprised me. Surprised me with a letter. Then surprised me with a phone call on Christmas. Then emails. A tape for my birthday. More emails. I knew I'd have a nervous breakdown when you got home. You texted me that night from your moms phone as I laid in bed, thinking about what the morning would bring. We met up. From there started dating. Things were complicated when I had a beyond full time job during the summer. You surprised me for my birthday by decorating my car. I was flattered, but also a little embarrassed when my dad teased me about it later that night. That's when I realized you were feeling it more than I was. I knew something needed to happen. I still liked you though. But through the summer I realized more I wasn't in it like you were. It was when we had 4 DTRs in a week, all initiated by you, that I knew you were not the one.

...to be continued if requested. And there are some good ones.

Monday, November 28, 2011

real blog. real emotions

as we walked down the hill to get into the car,
it was cold but it felt good on my warm, red face.
I don't know what brought it up tonight, but I started thinking.
thinking about something that happened months ago.

am I really over it?

Pushing my thoughts aside, we arrived at the car.
got in.
and drove down the street.
My friend talking about her situation with boy. And how it's hard to be friends.
cause he talks to her as a friend, when she wants to be more.

I thought again,

am I really over it?


I've realized something about myself...
I suppress feelings. So much that it's not healthy.
This may be a long time coming, but tonight I realized something.
I never let myself to feel the complete hurt that I was going through.
I wanted to be strong, and not seem like people needed to be "sorry" and give sympathy.
I thought receiving sympathy meant receiving weakness. Receiving defeat and heartbreak.
No one likes to get their heart broken. And I wasn't about to let people know that's what really happened. I was going to hide it at all costs because I didn't want attention from people about it. Why? Isn't that what people and especially friends for? To lift you up when you are struggling most? To bring you to higher ground so you can glimpse the light at the end?
Why don't I take that seriously? Is it because I don't trust? I don't have hope?
I know why, It's because I feel that it's me making a scene. I don't want that.

I've realized tonight I have a lot of feelings I'm feeling for the first time, because finally I'm allowing myself to feel them. So that I can let go and move on.
It aches. Oh, it aches. Every part of me aches. It hurts so bad I want to stop breathing. Just for a moment, to make it go away. To catch my breath again.

Why now? I should be well over it. I've tried moving on, but something always pulls me back. And it's not that I want Him. I want those feelings I had with him again, with someone else. But he's the only one I knew with them. I was held on a string for so long, months. When finally things were done, the string was never cut. It was merely loosened, but only a little. Being best friends with his sister didn't help much either. As well as his family.
Never cut, only loosened.

I've realized cut is necessary, at least for a time. Feeling is necessary. You can't feel that way with someone and expect to not feel hurt when it ends. And that's something I learned tonight.

It's time to hurt, to feel. I've become to numb to feeling this semester and I now see the downhill impact that has had. It's needed to feel so I can realize better.

Being strong is being able to feel hurt, but to realize that it can only go up from here. And having the perseverance to do so. To move up and on.

on a happier note:

I love these two women. And Jason, even though he smelled funny.



Friday, November 11, 2011

mission statement


and that's just what I'll do.
Who's with me?!

so remember that relationship that I was in a couple weeks ago?
yeah, long story short.. It's back.
I've decided to give it another shot.
I'm usually a second chancer.. which may not be a great thing at times.
(i'll tell you real life love stories about that sometime soon)

But I think this time things may work out,
although I'm not ready to bring it home with me over thanksgiving to meet my family.
But I'm giving it a shot, and until then.. I'll be spending mounds of time with my love, in the library.