Monday, November 28, 2011

real blog. real emotions

as we walked down the hill to get into the car,
it was cold but it felt good on my warm, red face.
I don't know what brought it up tonight, but I started thinking.
thinking about something that happened months ago.

am I really over it?

Pushing my thoughts aside, we arrived at the car.
got in.
and drove down the street.
My friend talking about her situation with boy. And how it's hard to be friends.
cause he talks to her as a friend, when she wants to be more.

I thought again,

am I really over it?

I've realized something about myself...
I suppress feelings. So much that it's not healthy.
This may be a long time coming, but tonight I realized something.
I never let myself to feel the complete hurt that I was going through.
I wanted to be strong, and not seem like people needed to be "sorry" and give sympathy.
I thought receiving sympathy meant receiving weakness. Receiving defeat and heartbreak.
No one likes to get their heart broken. And I wasn't about to let people know that's what really happened. I was going to hide it at all costs because I didn't want attention from people about it. Why? Isn't that what people and especially friends for? To lift you up when you are struggling most? To bring you to higher ground so you can glimpse the light at the end?
Why don't I take that seriously? Is it because I don't trust? I don't have hope?
I know why, It's because I feel that it's me making a scene. I don't want that.

I've realized tonight I have a lot of feelings I'm feeling for the first time, because finally I'm allowing myself to feel them. So that I can let go and move on.
It aches. Oh, it aches. Every part of me aches. It hurts so bad I want to stop breathing. Just for a moment, to make it go away. To catch my breath again.

Why now? I should be well over it. I've tried moving on, but something always pulls me back. And it's not that I want Him. I want those feelings I had with him again, with someone else. But he's the only one I knew with them. I was held on a string for so long, months. When finally things were done, the string was never cut. It was merely loosened, but only a little. Being best friends with his sister didn't help much either. As well as his family.
Never cut, only loosened.

I've realized cut is necessary, at least for a time. Feeling is necessary. You can't feel that way with someone and expect to not feel hurt when it ends. And that's something I learned tonight.

It's time to hurt, to feel. I've become to numb to feeling this semester and I now see the downhill impact that has had. It's needed to feel so I can realize better.

Being strong is being able to feel hurt, but to realize that it can only go up from here. And having the perseverance to do so. To move up and on.

on a happier note:

I love these two women. And Jason, even though he smelled funny.


  1. I relate to this a little too much I think... Good job writing it out :)